ICY JOKES and RIDDLES

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World's Largest Collection of IT WAS SO COLD... Jokes!

*Sled Dog Jokes* *New!*		*MORE Squallhoot Jokes*
*Icy Knock-Knock Jokes*		*MORE Throp Jokes*
*JOKE of the DAY*		*Polar Bear Jokes*
At least 250 *"IT WAS SO COLD..."* *Jokes!*
*Great Woolly Mammoth Jokes*
*Pop-up JOKES and RIDDLES: # 1 # 2 # 3*

A Few Arctic Tips... | Some Arctic Questions
Lessons we can learn from a snowman
You know you're flying with an Arctic bush pilot if...

Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!

A Few
Arctic Tips

No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Before you criticize someone in the Arctic, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them and they get mad, you're a mile away across the ice - and they've got no kamiks!
Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear - do not venture outside alone!
One hour shoveling snow equals two hours on the Buttmaster.
Arctic medical tip: If you're isolated in the Arctic and you have a bad toothache - just hit your thumb with a hammer. You'll forget all about the toothache.
When it's tourist season, that doesn't mean that you can shoot them!
You've heard of "bear bells"? First of all, they DON'T go on the bear. Secondly, for a polar bear, they mean "lunch is over here!"
Never spit when you're facing a cold Arctic wind - you could take your eye out!
If you haven't had any mail for weeks, just remember... there ARE some things that can keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Sometimes ice crystals in the atmosphere make things appear differently than they actually are. This is not an optical illusion - it just looks like one.
Due to isolated locations, the cost of living in the Arctic can be very high. However, the cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Snowblowers should not be used to make sno-cones, slurpies or cole slaw.
If you wake up breathing, congratulations - you didn't freeze to death! You get another chance - PLAY ON!

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Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"

Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
( See our Guide to Arctic Sunrise and Sunset )
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn! ( Guide to Arctic Sunrise and Sunset )
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.
Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????
Airport traffic controller on radio to bush pilot: "What is your height and position?"
Bush pilot: "I'm six feet tall and sitting at the front of the plane."

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Some Arctic Questions:

What do you do when you see an endangered Arctic animal that only eats endangered Arctic plants?
If muskoxen have wool, when it rains - why don't they shrink?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain walruses?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Our supplies just arrived here in the Arctic, and we're wondering - why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

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You know you're flying with an Arctic bush pilot if:

You don't buy a ticket - you buy a chance!
The pilot asks the passengers to chip in a little for fuel.
The pilot yells out the window to get the polar bears off the runway.
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact number of sealskins.
In-flight movie? You don't need one - your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
The pilot starts the engines with a crack of his whip... and then yells "mush" as he starts down the runway!
Instead of throttling up, the pilot makes that... kissing sound.
You hear the pilot yell "haw" just before the plane banks to the left.
You see a passenger waving a rifle, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
Before you take off, the pilot tells you to fasten your rope.

The fuel for the plane comes from one of those big iron try-pots.

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Lessons we can learn from a snowman:

Wearing white is always in style - even after Labor Day.

Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.

It's fun just to hang out in your front yard.

We're all made up of mostly water.

Accessories don't have to be expensive.

Don't get too much sun!

If you're a little bottom heavy - hey, that's okay!

In a confrontation, a hand-held hairdryer can be an effective weapon.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

If you look down and can't see your feet - you're probably not very active.

Sometimes sweating too much can have disasterous results.